So I checked out my friends blogs first - Josh & Mark's anyway - couldn't access Bonnie's without going back into my hotmail account to pull up the email that would remind me of my log in for that account. I miss those friends. Also discovered that the reason my buddy Mark hasn't responded to my post to his blog a couple of weeks ago is that the post evidently never got through . . . so I guess I need to email him instead. Should call . . . but it's 4 AM now, don't think he'd appreciate it.
The last couple of weeks were challenging but great - lots of hours at work - I think I've got about 3 days comp time coming. Took yesterday off to recoup a bit - got a bit snippy with mom the previous morning and realized the adrenaline I'd been running on had run out, leaving me a bit cranky. So I slept in (8:30!), had devotions with my mom out by the pool :-), then started in on Richard Simmon's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" excercise video. Got just past the "check your heart rate" section - right in the middle of the work out and my dad calls mom and asks her to come outside to the trash bin area and bring me with her . . . UGHH. Paused the video and thought "this better be good". . . it wasn't . . . he had discovered a TV and wanted to bring it in. My thoughts . . . (1) it was tossed for a reason; (2) we already have a TV in every room and another couple in storage, so what do we need this one for; (3) why does the world always have to revolve around HIM??????? I let myself mention to him that this had come right in the middle of my work out and he got upset with me - ???? - Like what I have going on has no value? Well, unfortunately, I should have known better - no one else has ever had any value to my dad - why should I expect it in this circumstance. Anyway - mulling it over I worked myself into quite a mini-rage . . . frankly, I'm ashamed of that - it did not honor God and I had just prayed that morning that I would use the time he'd given me that day to glorify him. Self-centered anger (i.e. dad intruding on *my* day) does not honor God. I stopped the excercise video and jumped in the shower - just a place to escape where he could not confront me and ask if I was upset - that would have been really bad. I worked through the anger in the shower - Had a good cry with God about it and realized that the anger came more from dad yet again displaying a devaluation of me as a person - this led to a bit of depression so I stayed in my room and cried for a bit before I was able to re-settle and re-establish the walls that protect me from his cruelty.
I was at a bit of an impass as to what to do next then. I needed a "day off" - - I needed some down time with no people to please and satisfy but by this time I realized I was not going to have the house to myself (as mom had indicated I would . . . they were going to go house hunting, supposedly . . . and then golfing). My aunt and uncle came and we had lunch then my uncle and dad went golfing - a nice respite except that my aunt stayed . . . she is one of the most negative people I know - EVERY topic is "poor me" and "look how bad he/she is". I HAD to get out of the house . . . but I had no idea where to go or what to do. As I was vacillating between options, I got a call - I invited the caller over and we went to the pool to hang out - best decision I'd made all day. This gal is the best - it's such a joy to watch the Lord grow her up into a godly young lady!
She's been taking flak for some tough decisions she's had to make from people who call themselves "friends" but who just don't understand. She's honest about where she made unwise choices and is really working toward maturity in Christ - she's such a blessing. I know I share more than I should with her about my challenges - but, as she says, it helps her learn. I told her of my morning and how I had failed with my attitude - she was a real encouragement. We played for a while - "giggled" like girls - then went in, showered & headed for Berean where we picked out a new study to start together. She really wants to learn - she is such a blessing!
Something that keeps running through my mind is a particular gentleman. He is one amazing man. I really wish he'd find me attractive. No, I don't think that's a possibility - and that's got me a little down - I really need to loose about 70 lbs. I put the weight on to fend off guys interested in only the physical - never meant to put on as much as I did, but, there it is. Now it's such a struggle to get it off - and sometimes I think - if it's meant to be, the weight won't be an issue . . . I have several friends who are far more overweight than me and God brought them men who love them just as they are - so, logically, the same could happen here - but I really can't imagine anyone - least of all someone as really neat as this fella finding this shell attractive in any way.
So, I'm dieting & exercising again. Probably not the right motivation, but I realized I don't want to look like a white snowball on my wedding day . . . if I ever get to have one. I also realized I've grown up a lot since I put on the weight - I don't think I'd fall for the same shallow relationships I had in the past . . . at least, I hope not . . . I'm still a "dumb female". Eve was easily decieved and she was "perfect" - so I wouldn't put anything out of the realm of possibility. Especially when I'm feeling especially needy for approval and affection.
My computer's been a pain lately . . . only 256 MB and creeps along terribly. It's got tons of memory - like 56G or so and it's been cleaned up and defragged, but it keeps wanting to download "updates" when I log into the internet . . . and I never stay on long enough for it to finish. Perhaps this is a good time to let it finish - - it's at 16% and it's been going for about an hour now . . . Of course I'm also typing here and downloading Yahoo Messenger.
Well, it's now 4:45 - my alarm goes off in 1/2 an hour to get up for work . . . today is going to be challenging - there's much to do and I'm finally starting to feel like maybe - just maybe - I could drift off. YM & "updates" are still downloading . . . updates are still at 16% - what a pain! Yahoo is at 72.
Maybe I'll see what job opportunities are out there. I love my work, but at 50 hours a week, my availability for one-on-one ministry is really limited. I'm toying with the idea of finding another regular 8-5 job that would give me weekends free . . . . At the same time, I really like the environment of working at the church. I dunno. More $$ would be useful too - and benefits (currently doing without). Maybe I'll do that while I wait for the updates to finish . . .