Anyway, one thing that made it tough was an uncertain potential relationship that showed (albeit weak) signs of possibly progressing. The person in question and I had a chat and now that question has been dealt with. It eases a lot of tension to know that friendship is all that's needed and wanted at this time. If I do have to pick up and go, I know I won't be walking away from something that could have been more - and that's a relief.
Another part of the struggle is the youth ministry I'm involved in. I feel like I'm really starting to get to know the kids - and I have a deep desire to impact their lives for Christ. I see so many hurting kids looking for direction, security and honest, heart-felt agape love. The challenge is that the more I invest, the harder it will be to leave if/when the time comes. But I don't know I will have to leave and I can't pull back from investing - I'm a bit obsessive that way - I'm either all in or not at all - and with this group, I'm definitely all in.
So, the first part of last week was a struggle - I really needed a friend - a hug - just to be held . . . I dearly missed my buddy Mark during this time. Usually it's me counseling him on challenges, but there've been times when I've really hurt and he's been there for me - he's probably the 2nd best friend I have. My brother, Dan, still has 1st place, but he's got his own challenges to deal with right now and needs me to be strong for him. Still, it was nice to hit a movie with him this last Sunday and our little chat over coffee was restorative.
Dan's looking at churches in New Jersey and Illinois . . . I really want him to get the church in Illinois . . . but I really don't want to go to Illinois . . . selfish? maybe. I think I'm just so tired of change and the constant need to adapt and adjust. We'll see where God lands Dan, then we'll see what mom & dad want to do, THEN I can start thinking about what I need to do. For now I'm here and that's all the light God has given me . . .
Anyway, after my rough start to last week and the neat talk with my mom, God gave me an opportunity to chat with another friend and clear away some mis-conceptions that had been hampering growth in our friendship. It's tough with guy/girl friendships - especially when you're both single. There's always opportunity to mis-read intentions ("is he/she just being friendly or does this indicate more?") into innocent actions. Add to that the rumors and speculations from other sources and a girl can get confused about where a friendship is or is not going. I'm so glad we talked. "Just Friends" works great for me. I'm glad to know how to interpret my friends actions and I'm so very glad he values our friendship as much as I do! :-)
Then tonight I had the opportunity to chat with another friend - a gal I've gotten to know through our bookstore ministry at the church and that I'm now working with in our youth group. We have a lot in common - we see many issues in the same way - it's good to know I'm not the only one concerned in certain areas and that we're both committed to praying about it and waiting on the Lord to show us what, if anything, we can do to address the challenges we see.
Wednesday night I'm meeting with one of the student leaders from our youth group. I'm really looking forward to spending some time with this young lady! :-) Thursday I've got dinner scheduled with my housemate followed by coffee with my sister-in-law. I've really neglected Suzy. In some ways it's been unavoidable - there's only so much of me to go around and when everybody wants/needs my time individually, well . . . something is gonna get missed or skipped. On the other hand, I realize that my priorities are just that - MY priorities - it's up to me to set them and to act on them - and I really haven't made her a priority. So I'll start working on that this week . . .
Friday I'm hoping will be coffee out with a fella from church. ;-) We're in that awkward part of the friendship where I don't know if it can/will blossom into more than a friendship. I'm not even certain whether I want it to or not - it throws a whole other facet into the move or not move question that will inevitably rear its ugly head. On the plus side, in previous conversations, he's indicated an interest in moving himself - and we seem to share the same interest in the type of environment we'd like to live in so . . . ????? For now, I'll manage this friendship as I do all my other guy friendships - he is my brother in Christ and I will treat him as such until the Lord makes it clear I should do otherwise.
Another little thing that I've gotten into recently is facebook. It's pretty nifty :-) I'm being re-connected with friends I haven't heard from in years :=) I really like it!
Speaking of which - time to go change the sprinklers on the lawn and check out facebook :-) Then it's time for bed!!